Perfect Image

As Christmas approached I was going-through-the-holiday-motions. I focused on telling everyone "It's a GIRL" but couldn't share the rest; I could barely tell myself the reality of the situation. 

I never considered that it was okay to share. 

At first I told myself that it wasn't important to say anything about her Club Feet, that no one needed to know yet. 

Terribly, I was making her diagnosis an imperfection.  A secret.

Looking back I couldn't imagine anyone thinking anything other than how perfect our family seemed.  Wasn't it my job to put on that front: loving husband and a beautiful Christmas card filled with amazing images of our perfect son?

I was determined to keep up that image. 

Somewhere deep inside I was keeping tabs on my behavior. I was hard on myself for feeling the way I did.

Was I a horrible mother?

I couldn't picture her feet in my mind.  What would they look like? I knew they would be... disfigured,  bent inwards and around and upside down.  I lived with a constant feeling of not knowing what to think.  I was tied up in the worst kind of knot. 

 I was screaming 'could be worse' in my head.  Yes, and I still know that - but a scary diagnosis is gut-wrenching;  It changes the way you thought your life would play out. 

I needed to snap out of it.  I had to make a new plan: unearth in me the strength to be excited and proud when she arrived. 

She deserved that.  That I knew.

 

Brandy Cardarelli Photography

Brandy Cardarelli Photography

 

A few days after these pictures were taken I looked at the proofs and only saw Cooper's socks.  Why did I put those white socks on him?! 

I wasn't focusing on the right things:  That belly.  And that happy baby boy who probably tried 4 times with his adorable chubby fingers to put those socks on himself.